I'll Be Happy When: The Race That Never Ends In Medicine | Ep12

Michael Hersh, MD

[00:00:00] Have you ever told yourself, if I can just get through this weekend call or these next couple of weeks, this quarter this next hurdle, then I'll finally feel happy or at least have some kind of peace, and yet somehow the finish line just keeps moving. You've done everything you were supposed to, med school, residency, the right job, the right life, and still something just feels off like you're building the life you worked so hard to build, but the satisfaction you expected just isn't showing up.
Today I want to talk about a quiet, invisible trap that keeps so many of us in medicine stuck sometimes for years without even realizing it. So if you're feeling restless or burned out, or

[00:01:00] just quietly wondering what's next in your medical career, this episode is just for you.
Let's get into it.

Hey everyone, and welcome to another episode of Better Physician Life Podcast. I'm Dr. Michael Hersh, and I'm so glad you're here. Today, we are talking about something that really affects so many physicians, particularly the ones that I speak to every day. It is literally something every physician has experienced, even if we didn't quite know it had a name, and that's the arrival fallacy.
Simply put, an arrival fallacy is the belief that I'll be happy when dot, dot, dot, and then we fill in the blank. When I get into medical school, when I match into my dream residency program, when I finally finish training and become an attending. When I become a partner in the practice,

[00:02:00] a decision maker, when I get married, when I have kids, when I retire.
This mindset is so deeply woven into the culture of medicine that we frequently don't even notice it. From day one. We are taught to chase the very next milestone. We're convinced that if we can just suffer a little while longer, then that fulfillment that we are searching for is waiting for us just around the corner, just at the next finish line.
And man, was this the story of my life for years. I lived in this constant state of almost there. In college, I told myself everything would be better if I could just get into medical school, because that's the hardest part, right? Once you're in, you're in. Then it was about matching into the right residency and then fellowship, and then finding the perfect attending job.

[00:03:00] And PS, I can still remember my fellowship countdown clock. It sat on my dresser, counting down the seconds until I was done with my training, and it probably sat there for a year or longer, but I digress. So here I am now, more than a decade and a half out of fellowship, trying to figure out what happened to that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Okay, so now what? The truth is that the happiness just kept moving. Every time I reached a goal, the satisfaction was there. I felt really good about it, but it was pretty fleeting. Just within inches of the finish line. I was already planning the very next thing, and I never gave myself permission to just be present.
And notice what was good. Right now,

[00:04:00] this is what I have come to call the race to an imaginary finish line. We run, we strive, we sacrifice, thinking we're getting closer to some final destination where we'll finally feel happy and satisfied and fulfilled. But the finish line just keeps moving. I see this in the physicians I work with all the time.
They've made it in every traditional sense. They've got stable jobs and wonderful families. They've got the titles. Most of them even have their dream home, but they still don't feel satisfied. So the goalpost moves. Now it's a focus on financial independence, or a lake house, or a new job. A different job, something, a different city.
And listen, none of these things are wrong. It is human to want to grow and build a life that we love, but

[00:05:00] when we believe that having these things is the only way, we'll finally feel happy. We are completely setting ourselves up for disappointment. We end up missing the very life we've worked so hard to build because we're always looking ahead to figure out what's next.
At some point, I realized I needed to redefine what success meant for me, not as a place I'd arrive at someday, but as a way I wanted to live every day because success isn't waiting at the end of a bank

[00:07:00] statement or in retirement, or top of some mountain or sitting on a new boat. It's not something we finally get to feel only when everything is lined up just right.
Success is noticing what's already good in our lives, even when things aren't perfect. It's about aligning our goals with the life we actually want and the values we choose, not the ones we think we're supposed to have. It's showing up every day in integrity with those values and pausing just long enough.
To see how far we've come and letting that be enough for today. So a few years ago before I found physician coaching, I had what I thought was the dream setup, the house, the thriving clinical practice, a seat at the leadership table at my medical group, and a beautiful family. It was everything that younger me had hoped for.

[00:08:00] Honestly, there were things that I couldn't have even imagined I had already achieved, and yet I found myself obsessing over financial independence. I kept asking, How soon can I retire? It wasn't that I didn't love my life, I just wasn't fully present for it. That was the wake up call. I realized I had built the very life I once had dreamed about.
I couldn't have even imagined how good it could be, and yet I was more focused on finding an exit than on actually living it. So physician coaching helped me see that clearly, and it helped me slow down and reflect and reconnect with what truly mattered to me. Of course, part of what fuels this arrival fallacy is comparison, which is exactly what was going on for me.
I saw all of these things and I thought if I could just have that, things

[00:09:00] would be better. As physicians, we are surrounded by colleagues who seem to be doing it all. They own multiple properties. They're running side businesses. They're hitting their FIRE numbers by 40. It's so easy to look at the Instagram version of people's lives and think, what am I doing wrong?
But just because someone else's path looks shiny doesn't mean it's your path. The key is to figure out what you actually want and then give yourself permission to want it. That's not always easy. Sometimes it starts with asking yourself simple, powerful questions, like if no one else was watching, if I could just do whatever I wanted, what would I choose for my own life?
This is where purpose-driven goals come into play. When I work with physicians, we get really clear, not just

[00:10:00] on what they want. Why they want it in the first place, because as we're building the life we want, the journey can be challenging. Well, I'll go so far as to say it always gets challenging.
It's difficult, but it's the reason why you want the things that you want that keep you going when things get tough, and here's something I wish someone had told me earlier. You're allowed to change your mind. Just like a pilot adjusts their flight plan mid-air based on changing conditions, you too can pivot.
You can shift direction, and you can decide that what you used to want, the things that used to matter, they no longer matter. But having a plan in the first place and knowing your why gives you a compass. It gives you control and agency. It makes you the pilot of your own life, not just the passenger along for the

[00:11:00] bumpy ride. Complaining about the turbulence. I wanna be honest with you, this journey doesn't always feel good, and that's normal. Life is a mix of joy and struggle, and physician coaching helped me stop resisting that 50/50 reality. 50% of life is gonna be fun and exciting and great and happy and all the things, but the other 50% not so much.
Instead of resisting the bad that comes with the good, we need to learn to embrace it. Accepting that fact that not every day is gonna be rosy and fulfilling. Has made me more resilient and more grounded, and maybe most importantly, more compassionate with myself when things don't go according to plan.
One thing that helped me

[00:12:00] tremendously is keeping a monthly record of what I'm doing and the progress that I'm making. Pausing every once in a while to turn back around at how far I've come. Just to notice, so I created this Google document that I keep, in my email and I go back to it about once a month, and at the very top of the document, I put an intention for what I want the year to be about.
It's a word that is inspiring me. There are some quotes that I want to keep handy as I navigate my decisions for the year. And then every few weeks I just go into the document and I jot down a couple of things that are going on in my life, things that I've achieved, failed attempts at things, what's going well, what's not, what I'm learning, and what I wanna carry forward, the things I wanna remember.
That way when my brain wants to tell me that I haven't done enough,

[00:13:00] or that things are going terribly, or I'm not making any progress. I have a written record to challenge that story. It's a small practice, but it has had a tremendous impact and it's so easy. We can focus on where we want to go and see how far we've come.
We can do both, and it's so helpful. This actually ties into something even deeper that comes up for doctors, which is our identity. It's the pull of that physician identity. It's so strong and it's so easy to let titles and achievements define our worth often without even realizing it. But when we find ways to anchor who we are to our values and our relationships and the parts of ourselves that exist outside of the white coat, we gain a sense of identity and

[00:14:00] stability that titles and achievements alone just can't provide.
That is the trap for so many of us. The physician identity, the physician personality, right? We start out believing the next achievement will finally be enough. But as we fall into the arrival fallacy, we never quite reach enough. We end up living in a place I think of as never enough land where the things we have are never quite enough to feel whole.
And in case you need a reminder. Here it is. You are enough right now without another checkbox.
Now, something else I've seen over and over again with physicians. At some point, the track runs out. We get so used to being on the track of medical education and medical training, checking the next

[00:15:00] box, moving to the next stage, that when that track finally ends, it can feel incredibly disorienting. We are told that everything will get easier once we're done with training, but that promised relief doesn't always show up.
So many of us find ourselves looking around. Just asking ourselves, is this it? It turns out it's never really about reaching the end of the track. It's about learning how to navigate what comes next. Because if we are always just sprinting toward the very next thing, we miss the whole point of why we started in the first place.
Climbing a mountain is hard work. If you wait until you get to the top to enjoy the view, you miss everything that happens along the way. Sometimes the most meaningful progress

[00:16:00] happens when you stop and pause and notice, and you let yourself feel proud and present even for a moment before rushing onto the very next thing.
So if you take nothing else from this episode. Let it be this. Stop tying your happiness to what's next. Give yourself permission to enjoy what's now. That's where the peace starts, right in the middle of the life you are already living. It's so easy to get caught up in chasing the very next goal that we forget to appreciate where we are right now.
And just taking a beat to look around and say, Hey, you know, I've come pretty far, can make the whole grind feel a little more worth it. And when we slow down enough to acknowledge the progress we've already made, we start to see how much good is already

[00:17:00] there. Joy and happiness don't have to wait at the finish line.
It's yours for the taking right now. As we wrap up, I wanna leave you with some questions to think about as you move forward through your week and through your day. So, where in your current life are you waiting to arrive before giving yourself permission to be happy? And what have you already created in your life that you've always wanted?
And again, if no one else was watching. What would you choose for your life? If you want help getting clear on these questions, I have created a free video and a worksheet for you over at betterphysicianlife.com. It's designed to help you define your values, set purpose-driven goals, and start living more intentionally today, not someday today.
And if you're ready to take the next step toward a more fulfilling life and career. I

[00:18:00] also offer one-to-one coaching for physicians who are ready to get unstuck and finally enjoy the lives they've worked so hard to build. Again, you don't have to wait for the next promotion or milestone to feel fulfilled.
You don't have to earn joy. You just have to notice it. and give yourself permission to feel it now. And remember that true peace and happiness starts when we stop outsourcing our happiness to future goals. When we shift our focus to joy and connection and being present with the people we love right now, we reclaim the fulfillment that was always meant to be a part of our journey.
And don't forget that the life that you currently live was once just a dream. How much of your life are the things that you always wanted, and now you have them and give yourself permission for gratitude and to recognize it.

[00:19:00] Thank you so much for being here. I hope you'll take a little time this week to pause, reflect, and maybe even celebrate something about where you are right now.
Something you always wanted and already have. Until next time, stay curious and keep choosing your better physician life. Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time.